A always complained that I was too strong, too hard-headed, too stubborn. He told me that I should be submissive. For more than two years, I tried to hold my ground. I'll do what I want. I know what is right. But I give up. I'm too exhausted now. I just want to let go.
This past week has been our Acute Care module. This was my high! I was suppose to excel at this. But due to one reason or another, I was just spiraling down. I missed lectures and quizzes. Even if I am present, my mind was mentally absent. I felt like crap. I didn't want to study. Within the week, there were a couple of times that I wanted to quit med school. I felt empty. I was having existential quandaries.
Last friday, I decided to let A stir the relationship. I wont go to his place unless he invites me. I wont force him to come see me unless he makes the first move. We usually meet up every Friday night. I would sleepover then we'd spend the weekends together. Last friday, I slept on my own bed. I kept hinting that I am available if he wants to meet up but saturday and sunday just passed by. Last night, he told me that he wanted to ask me something. Turns out, he wanted to join his friends go mountain climbing on thursday and friday. I couldn't help it as my eyes started welling up. I told him it was his choice.
I didn't bother reviewing for the exam. I just slept in during our free time while my classmates cram as much information as they can before the exam. Tomorrow, is the start of our Clinical skills module. I should be excited, but I am not. I haven't even bought the things that we need for tomorrow.
Finally, I made the first move and called him. I asked if we were going to meet up tomorrow. He said no. I asked him why he didn't call me the whole day, he said he was waiting for my call. It is just so painful to think that I need to insist that I go to his place just so that we could see each other; that I need to force him to come with me so that we could spend time together; that I need to call him so that we could talk. It is painful to know that if I didn't do all those things, that if I didn't initiate, nothing will happen. It shouldn't be like this! If we truly love each other, it shouldn't be forced like this. It should come naturally! Now, that I need him more than ever, I realized that I could not depend on him to be beside me during my darkest hours. That at the end of the day, there's only me. I feel so alone.
But as I said, I am tired. I am exhausted. I no longer want to nag at him. I no longer want to raise my concerns. I'll be submissive. I'll be passive. Even if this is already starting to eat me inside, I'll just keep quiet. Because honestly, I just lost the will to go on.