goodbye... for now.

A had already left the country last night. His contract there is good for 2 years. It has only been a few hours and yet I miss him already.

:(

more than a doctor.

THOUGH medical school consumes most of my time nowadays, I must not fail to remind myself that I am more than just a medical student. It is only part and parcel of who I am. The same way, that when I eventually finish my studies and find myself working in the medical field, being a doctor is only part and parcel of who I am.

Just a quick background, back in high school, I was torn on what field to pursue. I don't want to be just a lawyer, just a doctor, just a soldier. I wanted to be everything. I remember writing in my yearbook, ambition: to be a doctor-lawyer-soldier. Unfortunately, when it came out, my adviser edited it to, ambition: to be a doctor or lawyer.

In college, I entered Broadcast Communication just because my seatmate chose that course. I figured, I could shift courses anyway. I transfered to Political Science during my third year just because I figured I don't know much about the social sciences. As my college years were ending, I needed to decide what track to pursue: medicine, law, foreign service, biology, physics or the military. I was really troubled. I asked help from the university's guidance councilor a couple of times. I even took the career assessment exam thrice!

The guiding beacon came when I wrote a book report for my foreign service class. It was an autobiography of a doctor turned policy maker who was appointed by the President to preside the negotiations over military matters of foreign importance. That is when I realized that being in a certain field doesn't necessitate that I would be confined to that field alone. I could still pursue the other things that I wanted to do.

Upon entering medical school, I have came to forget this. I was so caught up with my studies that there were times that I feel like I was making the wrong decision of entering medicine, that I am not like the others who dreams of nothing else but being a doctor all their life. I didn't dream of being a doctor all my life. I dreamed of being everything all my life.

A note from our past lecture (something that most of us overlooked since we were so caught up on the hard medicine):

The Physician-Social Catalyst: I am first a citizen then a doctor. I recognize that I am part of a bigger community. My goal is to provoke significant change to society.

the road to perfection.

I was thinking of writing something about everyone's right to education -inspired by the Indonesian movie Laskar Pelangi that I watched last night. But I still have a pile of transes to go through so I'll reserve that discussion for another time. For the meantime, something from my old notes:

THIS is the road to perfection,

01. One starts off with little or no knowledge or skill on a certain subject.

02. One then tries to build this knowledge through education (training the mind of abilities thereof). Curiosity, enthusiasm and eagerness to learn are important catalysts in learning and expanding knowledge. Caution must be observed though, as too much desire to achieve perfection could lead to an intense fear of committing mistakes that would then lead to an inability to do anything. This could be compared to writing in a notebook for the first time. There is an strong desire to have one's notes and penmanship to be so perfect that one end up not writing anything down.

03. Once a steady foundation of knowledge has been made, application of the said knowledge is crucial. For it is through practical application and experiences gained that techniques, styles and skills are acquired. Little by little, knowledge and skill on that particular endeavor develop.

04. And from that barren lot, one starts to build a sky scraper higher and higher to the clouds, towering over the others, reaching the limits of the sky, achieving the point of perfection.

journal.

IN my earlier posts, I have mentioned that I have been keeping a journal. Yes, I did and it proved to be helpful. Unfortunately, someone found it and read it (note: it contains some information that I dare not let anyone know about) and, sad to say, that was the end of it. I am planning of keeping a new one but to safeguard it against nosy people, I decided to write in a different language. Problem is, I am not yet that fluent in the said language and thus, can't write that much yet. Now, if only I could find time to master the language amidst my busy schedule. sigh.

what now?

I started this blog three years ago and this would be my 34th post -not quite active, I might say. It such a pity that I no longer have the time (and motivation) to write something down. Nevertheless, let us give it another try.

So, what now? Well, a lot has already happened since the last time. Here is a run down of things.

• It is my second year of med school and it has been hell. Well, to be honest, I haven't been exactly studying since around second sem of last year. I would usually just browse my lessons hours before the exam. The result? Half-baked-short-term-knowledge-just-enough-to-pass. And now, I am suffering the consequence, I find it hard to understand the basic patho concepts because I was not able to master the normal concept. 
• But since I am slowly regaining my old passion back, I hope for the better. :)
• The reason for such positive change? A. Yes, it's A + I again. Everything is just fine, even better. We celebrated two nights ago and honestly, one of the best nights ever! Thank you!
• Nevertheless, it is just sad that A will be living the country in a couple of weeks time. He'll be out for a couple of years. sigh. But I'm willing to wait.
• Finally, I am starting to get involved in stocks. Well I don't have a portfolio yet but I am attending seminars and reading books on it. Of course, we (A and I) have to start early if we want a comfortable life where in we could do the things that we want without having to worry about our finances.

In general, seems to me that everything is uphill from here. <3

med school.

How I am everytime I try to study

I never thought medical school would be this hard. Intelligence is not enough. It must be accompanied with due diligence.

They make it hard on purpose.

There are lives in our hands.

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

comic strip from: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive/phd1120.gif

that nagging feeling.

HERE I am again, crippled by that intense fear that I might not be able to accomplish the things that I set out to do. As I mentioned before, I am very ambitious. I want to be a lot of things: documentarist, biologist, geologist, physicist, lawyer, soldier, doctor, political analyst, diplomat to name a few. The thought of growing up and opportunities closing scares me.

On a positive note, could this be a sign that I am having my old idealistic passionate self back?
There 's so much to do in so little time.