hold on!

YOU must want it. 

You must want it as much your lungs wants oxygen!

The more you sweat in training,

the less you bleed in war.

Just go! Go for the black out.

Do not go gently into the night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I am becoming dry. I mus spark brilliance again.

first love.

A wasn't my first love. Nope. I fell in love with nature even before I learned that I wanted to be a doctor. I had always been fascinated with forests and mountains and seas. I wanted to be an environmentalist even back then. The problem is, I have no idea how.

Fast forward to more than a decade later, I have almost given up on that dream. I decided that there are more pressing issues such as poverty and hunger that needed to be solved. I am now on my way to becoming a doctor. I see it as a means to achieving whatever I plan for the future. But don't get me wrong, I still feel in awe whenever I see the vast expanse (or the lack thereof) of natural foliage and fauna. However, saving Mother Earth is best left to those like Anna Oposa (how I wish i could be more like you).

Vietnamese coffee farmers handpick coffee
beans which they sell to wholesalers that
exports them to instant coffee manufacturers.

I called in sick today (on the advice of A). Aside from fever, chills, cough and flu, I think I have UTI again. My body failing me for the nth time now.  To rest my mind off work, I decided to watch these culinary documentaries (Chinese food and Coffee). As it turns out, food isn't just about food. Behind tasty dishes are complex political issues.Watching these films, it is hard not to see how everything is so interconnected. How the cup of coffee sitting in my desk is a result of a long struggle for a nation's independence and a person's day to day survival.

In Vietnam, almost all of their farmers now grows Robusta coffee. They have abandoned farming rice, rubber and other crops. They say coffee is more profitable. A few sacks of coffee beans is equal to several sacks of maize. Yet, the amount of money they earn is just enough to get by. Environmental conservationists claims that coffee farming in Vietnam is not sustainable. But what can they do?

Bustling streets of China

In China, more and more people are moving to the cities -the biggest human migration the world has ever seen. As older generations try to preserve their culture, practices and their environment deep in the mountains of China, developers are increasingly encroaching on these lands. There is once again the dilemma of economic prosperity vs cultural identity, urban development vs environmental conservation.

I remember the first time I went to Mt Banahaw. I was so amazed by the mountains, its cool weather and vast foliage that I quickly said to myself, "I wanted to live here!". But then, reality struck me and I figure, if I stayed there, I'll be living an isolated life and I would be turning my back on the things I wanted to accomplish. Yes, it is nice to live in such a peaceful place but I believe I have a social responsibility that I need to accomplish and I wont be able to do it by living in the mountains. The real action is here in the heart of the city. I could create way for significant change by staying here in the city. 

But I think the real solution is finding a way to strike the right balance between environmental conservationism and economic prosperity, modernism and preserving cultural identity. Many companies are now adapting sustainable entrepreneurship, green revolution, and triple bottomlines. But these trends are barely scratching the surface. There is still a bigger interplay that involves many small individuals, caught between trying to survive at the moment and preserving their past for the future.

Oh brilliance!

Why so elusive?
Where can I find you?

studyblr... i need motivation

The simple fact is that people who achieve excellence in their fields didn’t just have a dream. They got up at 4:00 am to practice on parallel bars or had to forgo other desirable activities and paths in order to get in six hours of violin practice a day, or stayed off several million absurd writing advice blogs with their overheated little cliques that dispense useless regurgitated maxims and empty praise and decide to actually confront their own thoughts on a page. Or they read Beowulf and Dante carefully and deeply when they didn’t see any point, since all they were interested in was Sylvia Plath, because someone of more experience and wisdom told them to do so. I don’t know whether we’re overly lazy, stupid, or childish these days. But the idea of preparing oneself for excellence has somehow disappeared. So – my advice to dreamers: Don’t just follow your dreams. Earn them. Do what it takes to achieve it. Work for it. Don’t just sit there and dream because if you do, it will never, ever be yours.

- Harrison Solow, Don’t Follow Your Dream

***

I am going to succeed because I am crazy enough to think I can.

***

Why do you think those two are hugging and crying? my resident asks as we watch our attending embrace a man about his age. It’s because one year ago that patient was given four months to live. I saw him then, he looked like he was on his deathbed.
No one knew what he had
But our attending figured it out. He diagnosed him.
It was a rare form of leukemia.

You know it’s rare when Google’s feeble attempts to help out only turns up a handful of journal articles.

Do you know how he knew?
He read an article about it a few weeks before.
Everyone laughed at him, but he remembered that article and demanded we run the tests.
Turns out, he was right.
Never forget, reading saves lives.

To the first years, just staring out your med school journey, not sure why they signed up for this. To those who just finished boards, and never want to pick up a text book again. To the premeds, who just want to finish up their pre reqs and get to medical school already. To the spouses, who wonder if they will ever see their significant others without a textbook again.
This is why we do it.
This is why we stay up past our bedtimes.
And wake up before the sun.
This is why we memorize overly complicated pathways until we can do them in our sleep. Why we can name every class of antibiotic, even those no one uses anymore. This is why we push ourselves to be better every day than we were the last.
Why we put our lives on hold.
Not for more letters to put behind our name.
Not for some number on a score sheet.
Not because mom told us to.
We do it because one day, a day that will occur far faster than we are ready for, we’ll have our own patients. One day someone will come in and ask you “so doc, what is it.” And you’ll say to yourself, I know this.

So when the tediousness of studying gets you down, don’t forget:
Reading saves lives.

flight of ideas and dementia.

I am now a full-fledged medical clerk; a member of the hospital medical staff; a participant in the provision of health care. I've been working close to 130+ hours per week, going on 24-hr duties every three days. I''ve been through Surgery, OB-Gyne, ENT and Psychiatry and I've enjoyed each one of my rotations. Nonetheless, there were times that I was down, depressed, slipping through the cracks.

I am currently staying at A's, it's much easier to go to the hospital from here. He has also been helpful, talking me through whenever I get these episodes.

***

Being in Psychiatry, I've become more paranoid than usual. Do I actually have a psychiatric disorder? Should I seek consult now? What if it's all in my head? I'll save those for later.

***

One of my biggest fear is to have dementia. I'm so scared that one day I wont remember things that I used to know. One of my patients told me that it was really scary noticing how she was starting to have difficulties concentrating and remembering things, noticing that she worked slower then usual. Even her reflexes while playing badminton were slower. She doesn't have dementia, but still I fear experiencing that point. One of my interns has a family history of Alzheimer's, he said the key is to continuously stimulate his brain. I don't think I have a family history of such, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Work those brain ass, yo!

***

I was supposed to write something more coherent. But by the time I finished signing out a different account, logging in and clicking new post, all the ideas already evaporated. Gone. Poof!
Is this dementia, early onset? Oh, please no!

passive. submissive.

A always complained that I was too strong, too hard-headed, too stubborn. He told me that I should be submissive. For more than two years, I tried to hold my ground. I'll do what I want. I know what is right. But I give up. I'm too exhausted now.  I just want to let go.

This past week has been our Acute Care module. This was my high! I was suppose to excel at this. But due to one reason or another, I was just spiraling down. I missed lectures and quizzes. Even if I am present, my mind was mentally absent. I felt like crap. I didn't want to study. Within the week, there were a couple of times that I wanted to quit med school. I felt empty. I was having existential quandaries.

Last friday, I decided to let A stir the relationship. I wont go to his place unless he invites me. I wont force him to come see me unless he makes the first move. We usually meet up every Friday night. I would sleepover then we'd spend the weekends together. Last friday, I slept on my own bed. I kept hinting that I am available if he wants to meet up but saturday and sunday just passed by. Last night, he told me that he wanted to ask me something. Turns out, he wanted to join his friends go mountain climbing on thursday and friday. I couldn't help it as my eyes started welling up. I told him it was his choice.

I didn't bother reviewing for the exam. I just slept in during our free time while my classmates cram as much information as they can before the exam. Tomorrow, is the start of our Clinical skills module. I should be excited, but I am not. I haven't even bought the things that we need for tomorrow.

Finally, I made the first move and called him. I asked if we were going to meet up tomorrow. He said no. I asked him why he didn't call me the whole day, he said he was waiting for my call. It is just so painful to think that I need to insist that I go to his place just so that we could see each other; that I need to force him to come with me so that we could spend time together; that I need to call him so that we could talk. It is painful to know that if I didn't do all those things, that if I didn't initiate, nothing will happen. It shouldn't be like this! If we truly love each other, it shouldn't be forced like this. It should come naturally! Now, that I need him more than ever, I realized that I could not depend on him to be beside me during my darkest hours. That at the end of the day, there's only me. I feel so alone.

But as I said, I am tired. I am exhausted. I no longer want to nag at him. I no longer want to raise my concerns. I'll be submissive. I'll be passive. Even if this is already starting to eat me inside, I'll just keep quiet. Because honestly, I just lost the will to go on.