goodbye 2012.

THIS years has been very difficult. In the 22 years of my existence, this has got to be my rock bottom. A lot of things have happened that made me realize the realities of life. Nevertheless, the most valuable lesson I learned this year is to never ever let yourself be vulnerable.

Goodbye 2012. I hope I never have to go through you again.

sigh. again.

LIFE is becoming harder to live day by day. :(

just live strong...

waiting.

IT'S been five months since you left and nineteen more months before your return. In the five months that you've been gone, my life has been series of waiting -one post at a time; one message until the next. There were days that I would just spend my time sleeping, waking up only to check if you had already left a message. These were the moments wherein your absence seems almost unbearable -frustrating that no matter how much I will it, you won't be here anytime soon; that if only I could sleep and everything would be okay.

Since you've been gone, I felt that my life has come to a halt. I refused to go to parties because I wanted my next drink be with you. I refused to go on mall sales because I wanted to shop clothes with you. I refused to have my glasses fixed because I wanted to pick out a new frame with you. I refused to go to Cebu because I wanted my first plane ride be with you. And sometimes I think that I want to delay school so that I could experience medschool with you. It's just that in two years, a lot of things would happen in my life -big family decisions, clerkship, the prime of my youth! -things that I consider milestones, things that I would later remember years from now. And these are the things that I don't want you to miss out in my life. I have already missed out on most of your youth, when you were still young and idealistic and passionate and crazy. Hence, I don't want you to miss out on my youth too. And so, I try as I might to put them off, all of them off, even the very little things until you're here.

Nineteen more months of waiting. 

buried.

IF only I could just sleep and everything would be okay. sigh.

happy one year!

To my dearest A,

Today we celebrate our one year together.
Who would have thought that this impulsive-kind of love would last this long. Just 6 days before we became together, we were complete strangers.

A year has already passed, and indeed, we have been through a lot.
I remember the soft iloveyou's that we whisper over our meals in Mang Inasal. I remember our short walks along España and trips to the market, our lunch dates in TMC wherein you would wait for me by the lobby fountain and we would eat pasta in the cafeteria. I remember the time we had baked mac + orange juice in your room while talking about random things and feeling safe, happy and content. I also remember our fights, big and small, and how those didn't stopped us from loving each other.

It's sad that you aren't here with me nor I am there with you to celebrate this day. I really miss you so much. But as they say, distance means so little when someone means so much.

Happy anniversary my dear! I love you so much! Take care!

three sems left.

ONLY three semesters left before the academic phase of our medical education is over. Three semesters before we get to wear the white coat. Three semesters before we head out to the hospitals and deal with real patients. Reading this article, I feel both worried and excited at the same time -worried that I am still not ready but nevertheless, excited that I'd be closer to being a doctor. I guess I better make the most of my time left.

to my dearest A.

It has been one year today since we first met.
I have just taken a bath and was already fixing my bag when I saw you talking to Sir Daz about joining RAHA. I introduced my name and made that joke, ‘Roman god of war and Greek god of war.’ A year later, here we are my dear.
Thank you for making the past 365 days count.
I love you.

I've been found!

A found my blog! He even posted this on Facebook:

"I went to medicine because I wanted to help alleviate pain and suffering. I wanted to make a change in society. And this is the main reason why I walk the streets of Manila at night -to be able feel compassion and sympathy once again. To be a great doctor that I want to be."

>>> searching the net, i found this part of a blog... i'm happy and proud of her very generous heart but for me, her safety matters above all and i know she understands why i need to roar like a tiger every time she travels Sampaloc to Cainta at 1:00 a.m. <<<

I asked him how he stumbled upon this site, given that it isn't searchable using google, but he won't tell me. Nevertheless, I have a pretty good idea how he did.

it's legit!

AFTER five months of med school, here comes two weeks of legitimate rest and I intend to make the most out of it. Hey, it would be a couple of months again before I could rest. Here are the things I hope to do:

. attend high school homecoming
. change all my passwords
. finish my reading list
. shoot one year anniv super video
. create review index cards
. read Katzung
. RAHA duty
. visit National Museum
. bonsai
. lose weight!

happy and content.

THINGS always work out for the best.

for all we have and are.

IF I were to leave this place? Would they know about it?
If so, how long before? days? weeks? months? years?
or not at all...

help.

spiraling downwards again.

never pass up on an opportunity.

I cannot skip opportunities. I am here to test my endurance and my focus against all temptations. -I have been following the diary of a Caribbean med student and found it quite insightful. I am enamored by his enthusiasm towards med school which also encourages me to work harder in med.

In one of his posts, he narrated how, at times, he felt like skipping review classes in exchange for a few hours of rest but kept reminding himself that he should grab every opportunity that comes his way. We had a review session for the YL5 students last night and honestly, earlier in the day, I was already thinking of ways to skipping it. I am not a really good teacher and I hate teaching. Also, I am not confident with what I know. Well, to cut the story short, I ended up teaching. Nevertheless, the experience was worth it. I am glad that I came.

on pancakes and coffee.

THEY say that med school is like needing to eat five pancakes everyday. If you don't eat your pancakes today, you have to eat more tomorrow. Guess what, it looks like I have 25 pancakes on my plate right now (not to mention the crumbs that have been piling up since last year).

I started this week with good intentions -read my books in advance, review my notes in the evening then annotate my trans the next day. The problem is, I have been falling asleep hours before my intended bed time and so, no work done. I guess I would have to pull an all nighter - all dayer for the next couple of days if I want to redeem myself. arrggh. yo ho ho and a pot of coffee!

sync.

I have already mentioned in my earlier posts that I keep a journal which contains entries that are more personal in nature. However, there are also some interesting things that I write down here that are not present in my journal -rather disorganized I might say. And so, I have decided to sync my journal with this blog. But of course, somethings are meant for certain eyes only.

In addition, I have decided that I would try to write at least once a week. Looking at my past notes, there are some important things that I have certainly missed out and, a few decades from now, will lose memory of.

it's all coming back.

I didn't go to school today because I wanted to pull an 'all-dayer'. A few hours into studying and my mind began wondering off again. It took me a while to notice that I have been surfing the net for a couple of hours already. Don't get me wrong, my old passion for learning is indeed slowly coming back. Though I was procrastinating, I wasn't mindlessly surfing. I was actually reading the stuff -taking joy in such intellectual stimulation.

I may have not fully dealt with my crappy study habits yet but hey, this is better than staying in bed and being depressed like I used to. Here's to a super productive, super responsive, enthusiastic, non flaky, on time, quality me!

rage!

FOR the first time in months, I caught a glimpse of my old vigor. I do hope this is a start of a more passionate, enthusiastic, idealistic and diligent me. it's kind of late for this semester already -only 26 days to go before the semestral break but hey, it's better late than never.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
- Dylan Thomas

so here's the plan.

OVER the past days, I have seriously been reconsidering medical school. I feel as if I have lost all of my passion for it. In fact, I didn't even bother going to school today. I just stayed home and watched Hotel Rwanda,

As I watched the film, I realized that being a doctor is not really my goal in life at all. It is just my means to something more -bringing about a significant change in society. Watching all those refugees and seeing the UN Peacekeepers frustrated at the lack of things they are allowed to do, I told myself, Politics is what I really wanted, needed to be in. I am not saying that I would run for office someday but rather, I would like to have a hand in decision making. And so, my new life plan,

• Finish medical school by 2016 (hopefully)
• Take up residency -currently considering surgery
• Enter the Navy (during residency?)
• After residency, apply to MSF
• Practice medicine in a government hospital (still considering private practice in addition). To augment income, buy stocks, set up business and find other means of earning. At the same time, look for avenues to engage in policy planning.
• Take up Law or MA in International Studies
• Performance in succeeding years would be crucial to be able to be involved in foreign policy making and diplomacy.
• And if A is still willing to go all the way, then :)

Important notes

• I don't need to be in the top of our class but it would be very helpful if I wanted to do practice in a highly competitive tertiary hospital or work with MSF.
• Learn a foreign language (preferrably Spanish, French or Italian). Plus points for MSF and and foreign service.
• Invest in stocks early on. Key to success is time.
• Don't forget political science roots. Read once in awhile.
• Maintain connections. Don't be a hermit. This is IMPORTANT!
• Get old work ethics back! This is crucial at the moment.
• Finally, don't be disheartened. Don't lose sight of the goal.

very sick and tired.

just REMEMBER BATAAN.

good ol' days.

I have two long exams tomorrow that would cover 19 lectures. I am only in trans no. 1 and already I'm feeling a bit lazy. In order to motivate myself, I scrounged my old notes and found my Supremo notebook Vol I. I am amazed at the amount of info I have written in their compared to my current Vol II. Oh, how I used to be passionate, idealistic and enthusiastic! Now I am just a lazy bum trying to get by. I want my old vigour back!

scraps.

THE truth is, I have been bouncing back and forth between bouts of depression for a couple of months now. There were times that I would just stay in bed the whole day and would miss classes. At first, I would fight ever so dearly this episodes and try my hardest to work but as days, weeks and months go on, I got tired and eventually gave up. But I say, no more! No longer would I succumb to such sadness!

scraps of wisdom:

We must proceed in a calm and orderly manner.
- Aung San Suu Kyi

Positive vibes everyday. Sana lagi kang masaya.
- A

Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. And watch your character for it becomes your destiny! What we think, we become.
-The Iron Lady

And yeah, A bought me a new netbook. No reason to fail now.

still not enough.

I have studied hard last night and I felt that I accomplished a lot. Yet, when I came to school this morning, I realized that I barely covered the material. There is still so much to do.

Passion, I need you right now!

on self actualization.

From my old notes:

THERE is nothing wrong with immersing oneself in culture and arts. If man had just sticked to manual labor and worked only with the goal of basic survival, we wouldn't have the likes of Hidalgo, da Vinci, Dickens, Kipling, Mozart and Bach. I believe that every man's goal should be to excel in all line of human endeavor. Nowadays, however, getting by and making a living is quite hard. One must be practical if one wishes to survive these changing times. Sometimes, a part-time job is not enough.

I am not saying that one should completely turn one's back to the arts or the other. Having a job that enables one to put bread on the table and being able to pursue art for art's sake is not mutually exclusive. However, in order to enjoy both, one must work extra hard.



I guess, it is the same way with academics. If I want to engage myself in extracurricular activities, if I want to pursue other interests, then I must be first be able to address the demands of my studies. Hence, be more attentive in class, read lessons in advance, study more efficiently and effectively and minimize lost time. It's the price I have to pay. No pain, no gain, eh?

Something distantly related:

Human beings the world over need freedom and security that they may be able to realize their full potential. -Aung San Suu Kyi

HUSTLE. HUSTLE. HUSTLE.

something to ponder upon.

I read this from another blog and it got me thinking.

Our lives become a series of milestones by which we procrastinate. I’ll travel when I graduate. I’ll write when the semester is finished. I’ll do all those things I love when medicine is finished. But medicine doesn’t finish. It doesn’t go away once you’ve graduated or finished intern year or entered a surgical training program or you own the hospital. However, your youth does finish.

Time to HUSTLE. HUSTLE. HUSTLE.

definitions.

Diligence

• constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken
• working with care and effort
• persistent exertion of body and mind

Type A

• competitive personality
• anxious, hard-working person who has a strong drive to succeed and finds it hard to delegate or share tasks with colleagues
  

resolutions.

YOU could say that my life has been crap for a couple of months now. Instead of doing anything, I have been wallowing in it and indulging in self-pity. This must now stop. It's time to get myself back together and keep moving. Hence, I now resolve to do the following:

Resolution 12001: Wake up at 0445H. Take a bath at 0500H. Leave house by 0530H. If arrive to school early, review notes or read non-acad books.

Resolution 12002: Review notes and read books after class. Read trans and annotate upon receiving. Review annotated trans before exam.

That's it for now.

P.S. A messaged me last night. hooray!

men off to war.

AS I was walking home with all my bags, I said to myself,'If only A was here, I wouldn't have to carry all this heavy stuff on my own. If only A was here, I wouldn't have to do things alone.' He was always there to help me. Don't get me wrong, before I met A, I was this strong independent woman who would think twice before asking anybody for help. Nevertheless, as A and I got together, I became dependent on him on a lot of things. Now that he is off to another country, I have to do everything by myself. I guess this must be how all those women left by their men during the war felt. All of a sudden, they must do things that they have never tried before. Well, history proved that they can do it!

goodbye... for now.

A had already left the country last night. His contract there is good for 2 years. It has only been a few hours and yet I miss him already.

:(

more than a doctor.

THOUGH medical school consumes most of my time nowadays, I must not fail to remind myself that I am more than just a medical student. It is only part and parcel of who I am. The same way, that when I eventually finish my studies and find myself working in the medical field, being a doctor is only part and parcel of who I am.

Just a quick background, back in high school, I was torn on what field to pursue. I don't want to be just a lawyer, just a doctor, just a soldier. I wanted to be everything. I remember writing in my yearbook, ambition: to be a doctor-lawyer-soldier. Unfortunately, when it came out, my adviser edited it to, ambition: to be a doctor or lawyer.

In college, I entered Broadcast Communication just because my seatmate chose that course. I figured, I could shift courses anyway. I transfered to Political Science during my third year just because I figured I don't know much about the social sciences. As my college years were ending, I needed to decide what track to pursue: medicine, law, foreign service, biology, physics or the military. I was really troubled. I asked help from the university's guidance councilor a couple of times. I even took the career assessment exam thrice!

The guiding beacon came when I wrote a book report for my foreign service class. It was an autobiography of a doctor turned policy maker who was appointed by the President to preside the negotiations over military matters of foreign importance. That is when I realized that being in a certain field doesn't necessitate that I would be confined to that field alone. I could still pursue the other things that I wanted to do.

Upon entering medical school, I have came to forget this. I was so caught up with my studies that there were times that I feel like I was making the wrong decision of entering medicine, that I am not like the others who dreams of nothing else but being a doctor all their life. I didn't dream of being a doctor all my life. I dreamed of being everything all my life.

A note from our past lecture (something that most of us overlooked since we were so caught up on the hard medicine):

The Physician-Social Catalyst: I am first a citizen then a doctor. I recognize that I am part of a bigger community. My goal is to provoke significant change to society.

the road to perfection.

I was thinking of writing something about everyone's right to education -inspired by the Indonesian movie Laskar Pelangi that I watched last night. But I still have a pile of transes to go through so I'll reserve that discussion for another time. For the meantime, something from my old notes:

THIS is the road to perfection,

01. One starts off with little or no knowledge or skill on a certain subject.

02. One then tries to build this knowledge through education (training the mind of abilities thereof). Curiosity, enthusiasm and eagerness to learn are important catalysts in learning and expanding knowledge. Caution must be observed though, as too much desire to achieve perfection could lead to an intense fear of committing mistakes that would then lead to an inability to do anything. This could be compared to writing in a notebook for the first time. There is an strong desire to have one's notes and penmanship to be so perfect that one end up not writing anything down.

03. Once a steady foundation of knowledge has been made, application of the said knowledge is crucial. For it is through practical application and experiences gained that techniques, styles and skills are acquired. Little by little, knowledge and skill on that particular endeavor develop.

04. And from that barren lot, one starts to build a sky scraper higher and higher to the clouds, towering over the others, reaching the limits of the sky, achieving the point of perfection.

journal.

IN my earlier posts, I have mentioned that I have been keeping a journal. Yes, I did and it proved to be helpful. Unfortunately, someone found it and read it (note: it contains some information that I dare not let anyone know about) and, sad to say, that was the end of it. I am planning of keeping a new one but to safeguard it against nosy people, I decided to write in a different language. Problem is, I am not yet that fluent in the said language and thus, can't write that much yet. Now, if only I could find time to master the language amidst my busy schedule. sigh.

what now?

I started this blog three years ago and this would be my 34th post -not quite active, I might say. It such a pity that I no longer have the time (and motivation) to write something down. Nevertheless, let us give it another try.

So, what now? Well, a lot has already happened since the last time. Here is a run down of things.

• It is my second year of med school and it has been hell. Well, to be honest, I haven't been exactly studying since around second sem of last year. I would usually just browse my lessons hours before the exam. The result? Half-baked-short-term-knowledge-just-enough-to-pass. And now, I am suffering the consequence, I find it hard to understand the basic patho concepts because I was not able to master the normal concept. 
• But since I am slowly regaining my old passion back, I hope for the better. :)
• The reason for such positive change? A. Yes, it's A + I again. Everything is just fine, even better. We celebrated two nights ago and honestly, one of the best nights ever! Thank you!
• Nevertheless, it is just sad that A will be living the country in a couple of weeks time. He'll be out for a couple of years. sigh. But I'm willing to wait.
• Finally, I am starting to get involved in stocks. Well I don't have a portfolio yet but I am attending seminars and reading books on it. Of course, we (A and I) have to start early if we want a comfortable life where in we could do the things that we want without having to worry about our finances.

In general, seems to me that everything is uphill from here. <3

med school.

How I am everytime I try to study

I never thought medical school would be this hard. Intelligence is not enough. It must be accompanied with due diligence.

They make it hard on purpose.

There are lives in our hands.

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

comic strip from: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive/phd1120.gif

that nagging feeling.

HERE I am again, crippled by that intense fear that I might not be able to accomplish the things that I set out to do. As I mentioned before, I am very ambitious. I want to be a lot of things: documentarist, biologist, geologist, physicist, lawyer, soldier, doctor, political analyst, diplomat to name a few. The thought of growing up and opportunities closing scares me.

On a positive note, could this be a sign that I am having my old idealistic passionate self back?
There 's so much to do in so little time.

streets at night.

ONE thing that A and I have always fought about is my late night trips, whether it be commuting home or simply taking short walks in the city. He can't understand my desire to do so given that it is quite dangerous. In fact, I have been robbed with a knife pointed at me once. Truth be told, the reason I do so is to remind myself of why I wanted to be a doctor, why I wanted to excel, why I wanted to make a significance contribution to society.

Amidst the splendor of Manila's skyline at night, deep within its streets is poverty -evidence of the growing inequality between the rich and the poor.

Nevertheless, they say that if one get immersed too much in a certain condition, one becomes desensitized to it. I have been working as a volunteer medic for more than a year now and have encountered numerous patients suffering (may it be due to their own doings or not). I am coming clean that there are times that I would wish for an MCI just for the rush of it. There are also times that I feel vexed rather than compassionate towards the patients. Over time, I came to see them as cases rather that as patients.

I went to medicine because I wanted to help alleviate pain and suffering. I wanted to make a change in society. And this is the main reason why I walk the streets of Manila at night -to be able feel compassion and sympathy once again. To be the great doctor that I want to be.

Something a colleague of mine once said, "You are not going to be a good doctor, you are going to be a superb doctor".

*photo not mine

time to start anew.

AND now a new chapter in my so called LIFE. Time to stand up and resume the battle that I have started.

nostalgia.

AKO ay nangungulila sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas
-ang kanlungan ng kaalam, ideya at prinsipyo.
Ang lugar kung saan lahat ay maaring maatim.
At sa taong nagsabing 'Matuto ka ngang mamuhay ng normal,' ito lamang ang maisasagot ko sa iyo,


*photos not mine

challenge accepted.

I don't want to be lost into oblivion.
I must be able to leave a legacy.
Time is running out.
I must work hard.

almost.

MY first year of med is almost through. Only two more modules to go and my brain is really tired. So far, my grades are not that stellar but I'm still hanging on. Honestly, there have been a couple of times that I ask myself whether If I really cut out to be a doctor. But just as I was very close to giving up, we had an OB rotation in QMMC. We watched a natural vaginal delivery and I even got a chance to assist!

Being in the hospital and seeing that baby born, I told myself, 'I am meant to be here'.

*photo not mine.

Happy New Year!

“ANOTHER fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!”

-William Arthur Ward


*photo not mine.