flight of ideas and dementia.

I am now a full-fledged medical clerk; a member of the hospital medical staff; a participant in the provision of health care. I've been working close to 130+ hours per week, going on 24-hr duties every three days. I''ve been through Surgery, OB-Gyne, ENT and Psychiatry and I've enjoyed each one of my rotations. Nonetheless, there were times that I was down, depressed, slipping through the cracks.

I am currently staying at A's, it's much easier to go to the hospital from here. He has also been helpful, talking me through whenever I get these episodes.

***

Being in Psychiatry, I've become more paranoid than usual. Do I actually have a psychiatric disorder? Should I seek consult now? What if it's all in my head? I'll save those for later.

***

One of my biggest fear is to have dementia. I'm so scared that one day I wont remember things that I used to know. One of my patients told me that it was really scary noticing how she was starting to have difficulties concentrating and remembering things, noticing that she worked slower then usual. Even her reflexes while playing badminton were slower. She doesn't have dementia, but still I fear experiencing that point. One of my interns has a family history of Alzheimer's, he said the key is to continuously stimulate his brain. I don't think I have a family history of such, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Work those brain ass, yo!

***

I was supposed to write something more coherent. But by the time I finished signing out a different account, logging in and clicking new post, all the ideas already evaporated. Gone. Poof!
Is this dementia, early onset? Oh, please no!

passive. submissive.

A always complained that I was too strong, too hard-headed, too stubborn. He told me that I should be submissive. For more than two years, I tried to hold my ground. I'll do what I want. I know what is right. But I give up. I'm too exhausted now.  I just want to let go.

This past week has been our Acute Care module. This was my high! I was suppose to excel at this. But due to one reason or another, I was just spiraling down. I missed lectures and quizzes. Even if I am present, my mind was mentally absent. I felt like crap. I didn't want to study. Within the week, there were a couple of times that I wanted to quit med school. I felt empty. I was having existential quandaries.

Last friday, I decided to let A stir the relationship. I wont go to his place unless he invites me. I wont force him to come see me unless he makes the first move. We usually meet up every Friday night. I would sleepover then we'd spend the weekends together. Last friday, I slept on my own bed. I kept hinting that I am available if he wants to meet up but saturday and sunday just passed by. Last night, he told me that he wanted to ask me something. Turns out, he wanted to join his friends go mountain climbing on thursday and friday. I couldn't help it as my eyes started welling up. I told him it was his choice.

I didn't bother reviewing for the exam. I just slept in during our free time while my classmates cram as much information as they can before the exam. Tomorrow, is the start of our Clinical skills module. I should be excited, but I am not. I haven't even bought the things that we need for tomorrow.

Finally, I made the first move and called him. I asked if we were going to meet up tomorrow. He said no. I asked him why he didn't call me the whole day, he said he was waiting for my call. It is just so painful to think that I need to insist that I go to his place just so that we could see each other; that I need to force him to come with me so that we could spend time together; that I need to call him so that we could talk. It is painful to know that if I didn't do all those things, that if I didn't initiate, nothing will happen. It shouldn't be like this! If we truly love each other, it shouldn't be forced like this. It should come naturally! Now, that I need him more than ever, I realized that I could not depend on him to be beside me during my darkest hours. That at the end of the day, there's only me. I feel so alone.

But as I said, I am tired. I am exhausted. I no longer want to nag at him. I no longer want to raise my concerns. I'll be submissive. I'll be passive. Even if this is already starting to eat me inside, I'll just keep quiet. Because honestly, I just lost the will to go on.

mahal ko...

lugmok na tayo. :(
Makakaahon din tayo balang araw, diba?

I love you.

waffles? make them Belgian. Famous Belgian.

AT first, I thought they were expensive as A and I passed by one of its store. Something like a cross between Starbucks and IHOP -it may be affordable to some, but I wouldn't shell out that much money for something I could buy/make at a cheaper price. Nonetheless, the waffles look so enticing so I grabbed A and marched up to the counter.

45Php for Banana Peanut Butter?! Sold!

I took my first bite and -aaahhh!!! definitely heaven! It was so light and fluffy yet, crispy and sweet on the outside.

The interesting thing about Famous Belgian Waffles (if I got my research right), is that it is actually a local brand. It is owned and operated by Innovention Food Asia Co. They wanted to make Belgian waffles more accessible to people and so, they decided to turn it into a sandwich form that you can grab-and-go and that is available at a really low price. Talk about innovation + entrepreneurship.

Earlier today, I went to the mall to buy some school supplies, and guess what I saw -Famous Belgian Waffles! I tried their new Apple Cinnamon flavor (for 45Php!) and decided to stay for a while to work on my paper. The lighting was good, the place was quiet and you can smell the freshly made waffles. Hmmm.

And the tables and chairs were just the right height! This is love <3

more coffee please.

THE reason I drink coffee, aside from its sweet aroma, is because of its energizing properties. I need coffee to be able to concentrate, stay up late and endure long hours of work.

So how does coffee works?


Caffeine, the active compund found not only in coffee, but also in tea and chocolates, competitively inhibits adenosine, stimulates epinephrine production and delays dopamine degradation. Yey!

When is the best time to drink coffee?
Studies have showed that the levels of cortisol is directly related to one's level of alertness. Hence, if your cortisol levels are high, you don't really need that extra buzz you get from coffee.

Cortisol levels peak around eight in the morning, then rises again around lunch time and again, around six in the evening. Hence, ideally, you don't have to drink coffee around this time because these are the times that you are most alert. Rather, drink coffee just before your cortisol levels dips just around 0930H, or around 1500H. It is not advisable to drink coffee in the evening, especially if you have no reason to sleep late. Tada!

my new doctor-hero!

HER name is one those that we were required to memorize as an elementary student. Fe del Mundo -inventor of the incubator for new born babies. In college, I heard she was the founder of the Children's Hospital (I am not even sure if it was Philippine Children's or National Children's Hospital). My classmate told me that Fe del Mundo was her pediatrician. But I didn't give much of a thought about her until I read this article.

Well she only accomplished the following:

• class valedictorian, UP Med 1933
• was granted scholarship by then president Manuel L Quezon
• got into Harvard Medical School
• finished Master's degree in bacteriology
• set up a hospice in an internment camp during the Japanese invasion
• opened the first Children's Hospital in the Philippines
• published over a hundred articles, reviews, and reports in medical journals
• still made rounds to check on patients when she was wheelchair-bound at the age of 99!

Respect!

ppt.

I feel that med school is making me dumb.
I miss making powerpoint presentations.